You are such a boring person

This is just something personal.

I imagine it must be terrible to live your life wishing that you are like this or that person, wishing that you have this and that. Perhaps I would be a little more transparent and come forth with this piece of struggle that I've been dealing with.

You know, coming here and meeting all these dynamic, exciting, interesting people is both exhilarating and inferiority-inducing at the same time. I caught myself thinking: FY, you are such a boring person. Tough not to think that way, I think, when there's Bryna who's funky, creative and outgoing, Michelle who makes people comfortable around her in an instant and whom people aren't afraid to tease or laugh with, Professor Tang's daughter who's been to more than forty countries, Deke the good looking American who's been to about 27 countries, Hannah the Korean girl who's catching up pretty good on Chinese and jumping over to Singapore over summer holidays to learn English - people who are either funny, dynamic, well-travelled, charismatic, sporty, (or all of it)....

And me is just me - someone who isn't excessively nice or funny, who isn't able to travel, who isn't athletic, who isn't very witty, who isn't slim, who has two left legs etc etc etc. You get the gist of it - I'm not really who I wish I am. While activeness or slimness is something that could be brought forth by more initiative and diligence, humour and charisma isn't something that comes in an easy package.

I caught myself again this morning - hang on a sec, just when have you been funny, bubbly and active? It isn't something which was beaten out of me by life. I just was born to be quiet, contemplative and well, serious. This is how I was created, and if you take these adjectives out of the context of the above text, they don't sound too bad, wouldn't you say? I believe, even, that there might be people who wish they could be taken seriously, think more or find quietness a beautiful quality.

I guess from outer appearances, people don't realize that they could relax with me, or could even tease me, etc. The only people who do that are my Cabbages (cell group people) or my parents, ie people who are close to me. That being said, I am glad that people who are close to me know me well enough, even though they don't know too much. I do know that there are those who live their lives with many close friends, but all of whom are close only to the facades that they put up. So am I thankful that I am taken seriously (albeit a little too much) and understood at least by people who mattered to me? Yes, definitely.

Ah well I've not really gotten past that block about being a boring person, because I'm bored out even by myself. What do I like - books of certain genres, calligraphy, guzheng, having deep conversations - they feel so out of the world (at least, this era). Perhaps at a point or another there'd be someone who'd find all of these fascinating in a prolonged sense. And before I do find those people, I have to live with knowing that I am created to be just that different from contemporary peers.